Lots of lazy bastards have jobs
THOUSANDS of bone idle people have full-time paid employment, it has emerged.
Proud to be sitting in a chair
As the government capped unemployment benefits and trumpeted its support for ‘hard workers’, lazy employed people have been left wondering where they stand in all this.
Sales manager Tom Booker said: “I pay my taxes but I certainly don’t work hard.
“Thanks to technology I can do the minimum required amount of work quickly, then spend the remaining six hours looking at music and pornography websites.
“Occasionally I have to give my subordinates a bollocking for behaving exactly as I do, but that’s about as stressful as it gets.”
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The inference seems to be that unemployed people are ‘shirkers’.
“But doing a job is often less hassle than trying to get one. Especially if you’re some sort of office manager, which basically amounts to babysitting adults.
“George Osborne also champions people who want to work hard. But these people do not exist.
“Humans like cake, telly and blow jobs. They’re a bit less keen on busting their arses.”
see more at http://www.crippencartoons.co.uk/
Script at http://www.ibras.dk/montypython/episode12.htm and below.
Cut to Upperclass Twit of the Year sketch. The five competitors run onto the pitch.
Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park. You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter’s afternoon here, with the going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we’re in for a splendid afternoon’s sport in this the 127th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off in a moment so let me just identify for you. (close-up of the competitors) Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an O-level in chemo-hygiene. Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp. Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he’s a stockbroker. Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. And finally Oliver St John-Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year’s outstanding twit. Now they’re moving up to the starting line, there’s a jolly good crowd here today. Now they’re under starter’s orders … and they’re off! (the starter fires the gun; nobody moves) Ah no, they’re not. No they didn’t realize they were supposed to start. Never mind, we’ll soon sort that out, the judge is explaining it to them now. I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea. All set to go. (starter fires gun again; the twits move off erratically) Oh, and they’re off and it’s a fast start this year. Oliver St John-Mollusc running a bit wide there and now they’re coming into their first test, the straight line. (the twits make their way erratically along five white lines) They’ve got to walk along this straight line without failing over and Oliver’s over at the back there, er, Simon’s coming through quite fast on the outside, I think Simon and Nigel, both of them coming through very fast. There’s Nigel there. No. Three, I’m sorry, and on the outside there’s Gervaise coming through just out of shot and now, the position… (the twits approach a line of matchboxes piled three high) Simon and Vivian at the front coming to the matchbox jump.. three layers of matchboxes to clear… and Simon’s over and Vivian’s over beautifully, oh and the jump of a lifetime – if only his father could understand. Here’s Nigel … and now Gervaise is over he’s, er, Nigel is over, and it’s Gervaise, Gervaise is going to jump it, is it, no he’s jumped the wrong way, there he goes, Nigel’s over, beautifully. Now it’s only Oliver. Oliver … and Gervaise… oh bad luck. And now it’s Kicking the Beggar. (the twits are kicking a beggar with a vending tray) Simon’s there and he’s putting the boot in, and not terribly hard, but he’s going down and Simon can move on. Now Vivian’s there. Vivian is there and waiting for a chance. Here he comes, oh a piledriver, a real piledriver, and now Simon’s on No. l, Vivian 2, Nigel 3, Gervaise on 4 and Oliver bringing up the rear. Ah there’s Oliver (Oliver is still trying to jump the matchboxes), there’s Oliver now, he’s at the back. I think he’s having a little trouble with his old brain injury, he’s going to have a go, no, no, bad luck, he’s up, he doesn’t know when he’s beaten, this boy, he doesn’t know when he’s winning either. He doesn’t have any sort of sensory apparatus. Oh there’s Gervaise (He is still kicking the beggar) and he’s putting the boot in there and he’s got the beggar down and the steward’s giving him a little bit of advice, yes, he can move on now, he can move on to the Hunt Photograph. He’s off, Gervaise is there and Oliver’s still at the back having trouble with the matchboxes. (the twits approach a table with two attractive girls and a photographer) Now here’s the Hunt Ball Photograph and the first here’s Simon, he’s going to enjoy a joke with Lady Arabella Plunkett. She hopes to go into films, and Vivian’s through there and, er, Nigel’s there enjoying a joke with Lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Vivian Streamroller Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave Gore Stringbottom Smith. (shot of twit in a sports car reversing into cut-out of old woman) And there’s, there’s Simon now in the sports car, he’s reversed into the old woman, he’s caught her absolutely beautifully. Now he’s going to accelerate forward there to wake up the neighbour. There’s Vivian I think, no Vivian’s lost his keys, no there’s Vivian, he’s got the old woman, slowly but surely right in the midriff, and here he is. Here he is to wake up the neighbour now. (a man in bed in the middle of the pitch; twit slams car door repeatedly) Simon right in the lead, comfortably in the lead, but he can’t get this neighbour woken up. He’s slamming away there as best he can. He’s getting absolutely no reaction at all. There, he’s woken him up and Simon’s through. Here comes Vivian, Vivian to slam the door, and there we are back at the Hunt Ball, I think that’s Gervaise there, that’s Gervaise going through there, and here, here comes Oliver, brave Oliver. Is he going to make it to the table, no I don’t think he is, yes he is, (Oliver falls over the table) he did it, ohh. And the crowd are rising to him there,and there I can see, who is that there, yes that’s Nigel, Nigel has woken the neighbour – my God this is exciting. Nigel’s got very excited and he’s going through and here comes Gervaise. Gervaise, oh no this is, er, out in the front there is Simon who is supposed to insult the waiter and he’s forgotten. (Simon runs past a waiter standing with a tray) And Oliver has run himself over, (Oliver lying in front of car) what a great twit! And now here comes Vivian, Vivian to insult the waiter, and he is heaping abuse on him, and he is humiliating him, there and he’s gone into the lead. Simon’s not with him, no Vivian’s in front of him at the bar. (the twits each have several goes at getting under a bar of wood five feet off the ground) Simon’s got to get under this bar and this is extremely difficult as it requires absolutely expert co-ordination between mind and body. No Vivian isn’t there. Here we go again and Simon’s fallen backwards. Here’s Nigel, he’s tripped, Nigel has tripped, and he’s under and Simon fails again, er, here is Gervaise, and Simon is through by accident. Here’s Gervaise to be the last one over, there we are, here’s Nigel right at the head of the field, (the twits approach five rabbits staked out on the ground; they fire at them with shotguns) and now he’s going to shoot the rabbit, and these rabbits have been tied to the ground, and they’re going to be a bit frisky, and this is only a one-day event. And they’re blazing away there. They’re not getting quite the results that they might, Gervaise is in there trying to bash it to death with the butt of his rifle, and I think Nigel’s in there with his bare hands, but they’re not getting the results that they might, but it is a little bit misty today and they must be shooting from a range of at least one foot. But they’ve had a couple of hits there I think, yes, they’ve had a couple of hits, and the whole field is up again and here they are. (they approach a line of shopwindow dummies each wearing only a bra) They’re coming up to the debs, Gervaise first, Vivian second, Simon third. And now they’ve got to take the bras off from the front, this is really difficult, this is really the most, the most difficult part of the entire competition, and they’re having a bit of trouble in there I think, they’re really trying now and the crowd is getting excited, and I think some of the twits are getting rather excited too. (the twits are wreaking havoc on the dummies) Vivian is there, Vivian is coming through, Simon’s in second place, and, no there’s Oliver, he’s not necessarily out of it. There goes Nigel, no he’s lost something, and Gervaise running through to this final obstacle. (they approach a table with five revolvers laid out on it) Now all they have to do here to win the title is to shoot themselves. Simon has a shot. Bad luck, he misses. Nigel misses. Now there’s Gervaise, and Gervaise has shot himself – Gervaise is Upperclass Twit of the Year. There’s Nigel, he’s shot Simon by mistake, Simon is back up and there’s Nigel, Nigel’s shot himself: Nigel is third in this fine and most exciting Upperclass Twit of the Year Show I’ve ever seen. Nigel’s clubbed himself into fourth place. (three coffins on stand with medals) And so the final result: The Upperclass Twit of the Year – Gervaise Brook-Hampster of Kensington and Weybridge; runner up – Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith of Kensington; and third – Nigel Incubator-Jones of Henley. Well there’ll certainly be some car door slamming in the streets of Kensington tonight.
Government Considers Bringing Back The Workhouse funny satire story
Thursday, 30 August 2012
A leaked government document has revealed the coalitions plans to reduce our countries benefits bill.
The solution? Bung the poor and needy into newly established workhouses.
Government officials reckon all the UK’s economic problems would be solved if everyone on job seekers allowance and housing benefit were forced into modern day workhouses.
One Tory minister claims that since the demise of UK manufacturing there are plenty of factories standing idle so why not put the idle in these factories and make them work 23 hours a day doing menial tasks such as cleaning rich peoples shoes.
Another Tory minister told us, in confidence, “Too many idle buggers are living off the state in luxurious houses with things like hot running water, doors and windows. Frankly it has to stop. Stick them in a workhouse and we all benefit, pardon the pun. It would reduce the benefits bill significantly and also free up loads of housing so my friends and I can increase our property portfolios. Personally if I had my way I’d just have them all shot but apparently that’s not allowed. Bloody do-gooders have ruined this country.”
A number of Tory MP’s have proposed using the unemployed to build a third runway at Heathrow airport to keep construction costs down.
It is believed that Edwina Currie is poised for a return to government once her peerage has gone through and she will be in charge of the new workhouses or “Shit Storers” as some Tories have suggested as a name.
We attempted to speak to the Prime Minister regarding this issue but he was unavailable as he is currently on his weekly six day break in Tuscany.
In another landmark policy innovation, Iain “Dunkem in a river” Smith, and Chris “18 miles is too far to travel home” Grayling are to reclassify the sick and disabled as the living dead. “As dead people have no legal rights, benefit payments can be dropped; they can’t sue us for discrimination, and we can tax their estates.” Stated Grayling, from one of his numerous London properties. He added. “People do not pay National Insurance to Insure the Nation, they pay National Insurance to subsidise high-rate taxpayers like millionaires David Cameron and Gideon Osborne, so they can carry on doing work experience and practicing compassionate conservatism.”
“Before the introduction of benefits, there weren’t any poor unemployed or disabled people. Mostly, they simply died, leaving the rich, self-proclaimed, and self-appointed elite to carry on without the silly need for compassion, welfare or collecting tax from Libor fixing Money Launderers. The few sick or infirm were either our kind of disabled (i.e., Edwina Currie fancied them), or they joined a travelling freak show.” Added Grayling from his taxpayer funded flat. “Our aim with the Living Dead initiative is to return to this simpler time, if someone can be classed as Living Dead, then, we have no need to pay them the exorbitant rate of benefits. This way we have more money available, so I don’t have to travel 18 miles home from London, staying in a B&B with homosexuals, on the few weeks of the year MPs actually work.”
“We agree with the widespread concern that the WCA [i] is not fit for purpose.” Stated Ian Duncan Smith from Easterhouse, the scene of his conversion to the innovative oxymoronic Compassionate Conservatism.
We see the following issues with the WCA:
“Work: People continue to cling to outdated notions that work should pay fairly; promote health and well-being; and do something useful for society. [ii] In the 21st century we just cannot support state subsidised monopolies; dodgy banks; lending to PFI companies so they can charge seven times the standard rate to lease us a hospital; MPs expenses, summer breaks, etc; AND the sick and unemployed. Something has to give, and the common sense and compassionate approach is to reduce our spending on the corrupt and useless benefits system by reclassifying anyone poor, sick or non-Tory as the Living Dead. It is also a lot easier to do this than collect tax from our party donors and lobbyist friends. Who being able bodied, and not suffering from debilitating mental health issues; are able to apply their Sociopathic and Psychopathic mind-sets to avoiding tax and screwing everyone else and not providing the services we pay them for.”
“Capability: People cling to notions that to work one has to be capable. The last two years of the Tory Coalition have proven that this is no longer a dogma. Nick Clegg’s party has voted against the amendments his own party made to the NHS bill. He has demonstrated that consistency of belief and effort are not needed. Furthermore, in choosing between defending the NHS as laid out in his manifesto; voting for a budget that reduces the highest rate of tax, and later calling for a wealth tax; alongside pushing through a piss poor Lords reform agenda that no one has managed to do in 100 years, Clegg shows political insight and incapability comparable to a moose. [iii] Gideon Osborne has undertaken two work placements without any success. One as electoral strategy ToryBoy has seen a massive decline in party support. On his other paper round as chancellor, we have seen growth stagnate and debt increase. Vince Cable and Jeremy Hunt (surely a spelling mistake) failed to deal with the expansion of Sky. This led Sky to withdraw their bid after a little misunderstanding about voice mails was brought to light by a local left-wing and no doubt corrupt newspaper. David Cameron is so incapable he can’t remember: that his father made money from morally reprehensible offshore tax schemes; where he left his children; or that he has blamed the opposition for over regulating and under regulating the banking sector; or that turning up at the Paralympics is about a coherent and act as the Pope attending Gay Pride. Pob Gove can’t even add up the number of school playing fields he sold off, and even managed to sell 2000 schools to the private sector but forgot to collect the cheque.” Clearly, capability is not needed to work in modern compassionate conservaistic Britain! However, such levels of incapability demand the finest in Private and Oxbridge education and cannot be achieved on benefits alone. So why pay benefits to gain incapability, it only detracts from filling in our expense forms and living off Daddy’s offshore tax funds.
“We British have a fine tradition of incompetence that is best served by using government money to subsidise private education through VAT breaks, and such forward thinking schemes as GS4’s invisible security force; ATOS costing 60 million a year in contested assessments; and lending money to PFI firms ”
Not turning up for work because the building has no lifts; you are terminally ill; or suffer from hallucinations; fits; breathing problems; cancer; learning disabilities or extreme risk of suicide and self-harm; cannot stand in the way of practicing incompetence.
In addition, the DWP hit man stated. “People using suicidal impulses as an excuse for not being able to work really need to buckle down and follow the fine example of The Lib Dems. Their participation in the alleged coalition has been driven by suicidal urges of the most magnificent and public kind. The kind that would make Cameron’s mate and Mental Health expert Jeremy Clarkson foam at the mouth with self-righteous indignation, er I mean compassion. Clearly, their Conservative co-workers have not been perturbed by the Lib-Dems suicidal behaviour, so everyone else could work alongside the depressed worker without problems.”
Assessment. With regards to assessment criteria Grayling, noted, “Whilst we have deep disdain for any publicly funded role or department (except our nice big salaries, pensions, expenses and long holidays), we believe assessment has to made on spurious objective and numerically dodgy numbers that are pulled out of Eric Pickles’ substantial arse at great effort in order to beat the poor, the bruised, and anyone else who never voted for us (most of you in fact). In fact, we are happy to shaft people who voted for us, as once we class them as living dead, they won’t be allowed to vote anyway.”
“If you are capable of applying for the benefit in the first place, then the person is most definitely capable of work filling in forms. Thus, the very application qualifies you for “Living Dead” status. However, a progressive government needs to appreciate that there a definitional and pragmatic problems.” A DWP hit man went onto say.
The rigorous documentary makers, the “Daily Hate Mail” and “The Kneejerk Conclusion on Spurious Data Sun” class the living dead anyone who claims benefits (but NOT expenses). The living dead are sometimes hard to discern, they can be rich, claiming an MP’s salary, or on the Royal List. These sparkly living dead are the right kind. We aim to eliminate the wrong kind of living dead, a simple set of tests can be applied to ascertain the living dead:
1) Where you able to fill out an ESA50 form, or find someone to do it for you? (You could get a form filling job somewhere)
2) Are you suffering from the many fake illnesses identified by the renowned medical expert and adulterous wife beater [iv] Rod Liddle identified in the esteemed medical journal “The Sun”? [v] (NB, this esteemed journal is not available to Merseyside readers).
3) Can you attend an ATOS centre when threatened with removal of your benefits? (Then you are showing initiative and drive).
4) Do you feed your own cats, rather than have them die, and then be sectioned under the mental health act? (Then you could work in a zoo or cattery)
5) If we leave you in your wheelchair a car park, are you able to use your mobile phone to call a relative to retrieve you and deal with your panic attack? (You could clearly work in a prison based call centre).
6) Are you horrified to find out that a man is incapable of travelling 18 miles back to Epsom at the end of a hard day’s harassment of the sick, unemployed, and gay B*B guests? Then this would also class you as Living Dead! Compassion is clearly a form of capability that is much prized in modern Britain (Or so David Cameron told us via little slips of paper in our GS4 Christmas Crackers).
7) Are you peeing on British Industry? (You are capable of working. Golden showers are a growing pastime among many sectors of the population, and you could set up as a non-unionised self-employed piss taker!)
8) Can you use Twitter? (According to the eminent ex Nurse Nadine Dorres [vi] this means you are capable of working, unless you happen to be called Louise Mensch).
9) Are you terminally ill? (Then you could act as a life model for undertakers, or take part in clinical trials)
10) Are you capable of blogging or protesting in person to protect the benefits system you spent the last years paying into. (You could help Dominique Jackson edit her articles and reply to fan letters from retired WW2 German “prison” guards).
11) Can you use your phone? (Then you could help the newspaper run by David Cameron’s friends and ex-employees and hack into dead girl’s phones)
Specific exclusions can be made:
- Does Edwina Currie fancy you, if so we will continue to pay your benefits and increase the rate and throw in one of Chris Grayling’s spare flats. This will keep her away from affairs with our beloved PM.
- Can we make a celebrity campaign from your war injuries? For now, we won’t cut your benefits, but use you as publicity material, until such a time that ATOS tell us they have found a way of overturning Dalton Trumbo’s assessment of your injuries.
- You are an incredibly rich PM, then it is okay to claim DLA for your offspring, as hypocrisy was your PPE undergraduate dissertation.
Grayling went on to state that “The Living Dead come in various forms, the LD vic.. I mean clients will be set and assessed by the reputable company called ATOS. Their state-of-the-fart computer software (Down&OutKILL), will, in an intensive 300 second question and answer session, ask the LD candidate whether they can feed a pet; use twitter; remember to bring their child home from the pub; screw the economy up further; vote against their own amendments; or other objective tests of capability. Through an objective assessment the pre-set target of everyone who claims and looks a bit funny and never voted Tory, or never worked for ATOS or Gs4 or A4E will be met.
[i] See BMA, Mind, everyone with a beating heart and sense of compassion
[ii] Which as we know from the famous Sociologist er we mean er Chemist, Thatcher does not exist, even in its big form.
[iii] We apologise to Moose everywhere as they are generally lovely creatures and show no inclination to get involved in politics. If they did I am sure they would keep their election promises and not force reindeer into slave labour schemes claiming that they only work at Christmas. Or pick on sick or disabled Mooses, reduce their berry ration; ask them to undertake a Moose Capability Assessment undertaken by Wolves. The MCA would essentially note that if you can escape the wolf pack you are fit for Moose related activity, and if not well, you made a damn fine lunch. Moose would probably also collect taxes from all the woodland animals in a fair and non-regressive manner and wouldn’t pump funds into Beavers and Dutch Elm Disease destroyed vast parts of the wood in the first place and called all the problems.
[vi] http://www.latentexistence.me.uk/if-you-can-tweet-you-can-work/. Dorres does not appear to have worked as a Nurse since 1982, but can make an assessment on your work capability without the use of ATOS’s state-of-the-fart software or even meeting you!
[vii] Oops maybe not http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-15497495
[viii] Unless we sell them all for £2 to the man down the Bingo hall.