Pride's Purge

(satire)

The coalition government is seeking to allay safety fears over a string of new nuclear power plants it is planning to build after experts highlighted the lack of qualified Poundland shelf stackers available in the UK to oversee operational safety of the fission reactors.

In response to the concerns, the government has announced a programme of subsidised training to ensure enough Poundland employees with experience of stacking tins of beans are deployed to monitor the many potential hazards related to nuclear criticality and release of radioactive materials at the reactor sites.

In a statement, a spokesperson for number 10 said:

We are fully aware there is a problem of a lack of qualified scientists in the UK with enough experience of shelf-stacking in Poundland to ensure the safety of modern graphite moderated and pressurised water nuclear fission reactors.

That is why – in order to minimise the likelihood of accidents and…

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