Home > Satire, Self Penned Ramblings > New Raising of the School Leaving Age Initiative (ROSLA) announced

New Raising of the School Leaving Age Initiative (ROSLA) announced

In a move described by themselves as: radical, compassionate, and are in no way ill thought out or patronising the Tory coalition announced the Raising of the School-Leaving Age Initiative.  All 16-25 year-olds will be able to take the mandatory choice of attending such ROSLA schools, conveniently located next to prisons, large areas of social housing and in every Northern Town in the country.  No exceptions will be made unless you can demonstrate inherited wealth, and commitment to state subsidised monopolies of services.

Parents will receive £3.25 a week to support their growing children; whilst the “kids” will be expected to deliver Nosey International papers for free to every household in return for this generous, forward thinking re-education project based on the finest Think Tank sponsored knee-jerk  prejudice, spurious facts and specious reasoning.

“The fact that the worlds’ population has reached 7 billion is purely down to the British Housing Benefits system; this must be stopped, until we change our minds.”  Announced Dave “Offshore Inheritance” Cameron.  “This move will eradicate unemployment among the 16-25 year-olds overnight, and provide thousands of jobs for our outsourcing chums building new ROSLA schools and teaching vital skills for the interwebbed 21stc century Big Nanny Society” added Michael “What the hell is Lipase” Gove.  “We will also lend our PFI the money in the first place so that the assets they build costs us 6 or 7 times the going rate.”  said Gideon “Two jobs done badly are better than one done badly” Osborne. ^

The new revised OP-level * syllabus for 16-25 years-olds, developed exclusively by Michael Gove, and Dolores Umbridge includes the following highlights:

ENGLISH LITERATURE:

  • The new course will focus solely on the classic and timeless novels of Ayn Rand and Milton Friedman.
  • Students will be given extra credit for burning (or deleting all digital copies) of perverse literature from delusional authors such as Keynes, Mother Teresa, Rawlings, Payne, Jesus, Schumacher.

ENGLISH LANGUAGE:

  • Text speak for courting Nosey International.
  • The alphabet stops at Plan A.
  • How Conservatives means selling everything, not preserving anything.

RELIGIOUS AND ETHICAL EDUCATION:

  • How the major religions are wrong about compassion and what it really means (bullying, scape-goating and hypocrisy).
  • How hypocrisy means what I say not what my parties donors do.
  • How Back to Basics was derailed by the feckless poor and not the libidos of Major’s Conservatives.
  • How to blame the system for your spurious expenses claims, whilst blaming the individual for claiming benefits.
  • How the world was created in seven days (available only at selected publicly funded free schools).

ECONOMICS:

  • How cutting jobs actually increases tax, wealth and reduces national debt.
  • How Banks behave better when you subsidise their failures, rate fixing and money laundering.
  • How Economics is just like family finances, apart from being able to print money, and raise taxes (but not from the rich).
  • How offshore Tax strengthens the British economy.
  • The many benefits of Public subsidies of service monopolies.
  • How sacking soldiers leaves them free to secure the Olympics.
  • How a free market is best realised by closed bids from one or two favoured outsourcing Tory party donors.
  • How do write legislation that favours large workfare organisations and bankrupts those bleeding heart charities.
  • How to pick Remploy employees to carry the Olympic torch whilst sacking the rest for being feckless and disabled.

SOCIAL SCIENCE:

  • How the Big Society means we are all in this together (Subject to age and wealth restrictions).
  • The difference between drink fuelled destruction by Bullingdon club members and rioting.
  • How the poor increase their copulation rates the more giros they get….
  • How poor people deserve to be where they are and why stopping them from freezing, starving, being exploited and raped on the street only makes them thankless feckless and lazy.
  • How having your salary and pensions slashed when your job is outsourced increasing your motivation and well being.
  • How crime is reduced by private policemen!
  • How security is increased by outsourcing to companies that don’t provide enough staff!
  • How the hard won rights to strike cannot be applied for self-benefit if said strike conflicts with the Olympics!
  • How to work two jobs effectively! (Special lecture  by Gideon “Bullingdon” Osborne).

GEOGRAPHY:

  • How third world nations benefit from massive inequality, and how we should mimic this.
  • Where the oil is?  Which countries have substantial oil reserves, so we know which countries rebels to support in case of war and uprising?
  • Map reading skills to avoid travelling where the rich live to avoid spoiling their view and ruining property prices… (Sponsored By Skye Geography Channel and the Daily Hate Mail).

CARPENTRY AND CRAFTS:

  • Which cardboard is best for making shelters under bridges?
  • Making High Quality Tuxedos for Bullingdon Club members
  • Cleaning up the Blood, Vomit and broken glass of Bullingdon Club members
  • Boarding up then replacing windows smashed by Bullingdon Club members

POLITICS:

  • How to rule with impunity over the plebs, regardless of the size of your majority.
  • How Liberal Democracy is best served by tabling amendments on bills and then voting against them.
  • How to blame increased welfare costs by blaming people who lost their jobs when you sacked them to further subsidise the banks that didn’t cause the problem in the first place.
  • Blaming the Euro for everything.
  • How to commit political suicide by joining a coalition!
  • Ignoring the evidence and soldering on with Plan A makes you a strong leader.
  • How U-turns show foresight, compassion and strong leadership.
  • How to register your protest about a ministers behaviour by abstaining from voting for an enquiry into his behaviour.
  • How to blame another for under- and over-regulation of the banks.

HEALTH AND SOCIAL CARE:

  • How to turn off a dialysis machine to see if a claimant is fit for work.
  • Helping benefit claimants stop taking their tablets so their death is hastened.
  • How Computer Software firms are the best people to assess ESA claims, not those pesky BMA members.
  • Stigmatisation of Mental Health Service Users as a cure!
  • How to beat up those with learning disabilities :@

HOME ECONOMICS AND CHILDCARE:

  • Country Suppers on a tight millionaire’s budget.
  • Choosing the best pub to leave your child in.
  • Making a meal last a fourteen hour long jubilee celebration enforced work shift.
  • Making your food stamps last.
  • How not to ask Sir for more!
  • Picking the weevils out of your government approved food parcel.
  • Money Laundering 101. (Sponsored by the World’s Favoured Bank).

HISTORY:

  • How brave Tories fought against the European tyranny of Universal Welfare and free Healthcare.
  • 1997-2010 the Wasters years.
  • The Labour party induced Economic crisis, and how Bankers saved the world.

MATHEMATICS:

New Big Society mathematics provides insight into well-known mathematical paradoxes such as:

  • How to save 2 billion by ignoring 5billion in avoided tax and screwing the young.
  • How cutting the number of jobs actually increases employment.
  • How cutting spending increases the budget deficit.
  • How collecting tax increases teen horniness.

ENGINEERING:

  • Choosing construction projects that benefit the rich traveller.
  • The best bridge designs for sleeping under.
  • Competitive U-turns on Aircraft Carrier Design.
  • How to harness free energy from the spinning graves of Beveridge, Lloyd-George, Asquith and countless others.

BIOLOGY: *

  • How the Niger delta benefits from Oil spills.
  • How green power is a poor substitute for real power once you are elected.
  • Are Abstinence or Sterilisation, the only choices for the poor, young and feckless.
  • How to teen horniness is increased by welfare benefits.
  • The Biological basis for the inferiority of Mud Bloods and Muggles.

* new practical OP-level element will involve practical ball breaking exercises, saving a fortune in pills, condoms and avoid messy ethical debates about enforced sterilisation of the young.

MEDIA STUDIES AND PUBLIC RELATIONS:

  • How to further deregulate Nosey International.
  • How to forget key details of country suppers (TM Nosey International) and other important details and events.
  • How to recall very little about the job you just got £2 million for leaving!
  • How to divert attention away from failing policies, U-turns, expenses scandals, corruption, incompetence by pitting the quite poor against the really poor.
  • Using the Daily Hate Mail and Torygraph for mature level headed policy debates.
  • How to brag to journalists about: cash for access; and “getting” Murdoch.
  • Congratulating your friend by text message that you are overseeing his bid for a monopoly!
  • How owning porn channels allows you to undertake double standards in the Newspapers and Magazines you also own.

COMPUTING:

  • Using Twitter for mature level headed policy debates.
  • How to use private email to avoid freedom of information requests.
  • How to hack email accounts, hospital records and mobile phones, (whether the victim is alive or dead).
  • How to celebrate Alan Turing whilst opposing further equality measures for non-heterosexuals (because your party donors say so).

“Young people following this curriculum will have the levels of awareness, morality, and critical reflection needed to survive in the Big Nanny Globalised Society.”  Said Dolores Umbridge.
“The Big Society ROSLA initiative will be open to all 16-25 year olds depending on their parent’s ability to buy their way out of the scheme.”

Two new Ministers (Adam Sutler and Peter Creedy) have been appointed to oversee the ROSLA initiative.  Contracts to tender for these services will be made available on an impartial basis.  For details, please send a SAE and a cheque for £250,000 to Tory HQ.

NOTES

^ The Tories failed to win a majority in 2010, and have failed to cut the deficit, or repair the economy.

* OP stands for Over-subsidised Plebs

:@ A vital skill in privatised social care.

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